Divorce in Hong Kong is on the rise, according to the government figures released last year. The Census and Statistics Department said the number of divorces has been continuously increasing, wherein crude divorce rate is reportedly at 2.34 per 1,000 population in 2016, which was doubled compared to that seen in 1991.
Unhappy couples tend to stay together because of different reasons. For instance, some stay because of their children, while others are too ashamed to admit their marriage failed and refused to seek professional guidance, the South China Morning Post reported. For couples seeking help, their common complaints include infidelity, emotional or physical disconnect with a partner, parenting differences, miscommunication, and a lack of appreciation.
According to Cindy Bonacorso LaTour, a Hong Kong-based marriage and family therapist, these complaints are universal but living in Hong Kong reportedly adds pressure. She recommends premarital counseling so that couples could identify and deal with their weaknesses in the relationship to avoid causing problems. The sessions usually cover decision making, sexual expectation, marriage roles, beliefs, and finances.
Meanwhile, Gary Chapman's bestselling book The Five Love Languages shows that emotional love language and the language of your partner may be as different as Chinese from English. He explained that even if you express your love in English, if your partner only understands Chinese, then both of you could never understand how to love each other. He believes there are five basic languages of love: physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and words of affirmation.
For LaTour, couples should know their partner's love language to have better communication because if they don't, they could likely "scratching them in places they don't itch." She also said married couples should make little things the big things, as little things do matter. So, if they're important to your spouse, they should be important to you as well - don't take your partner for granted.
Conflict in a marriage is inevitable, LaTour added, but it should be a healthy conflict - like acknowledging your feelings rationally and hear your partner's side. An example of an unhealthy conflict is when your partner is attacking you in front of your friends, relatives, or children.
Meanwhile, Dr. Helen Poon agrees, who's also a Hong Kong-based couple and family therapist, agrees that living in a busy city - like Hong Kong - puts a strain on marriages. Often, couples tend to prioritize their work, children, or social scene, and their relationship is usually last on the list.
Poon said couples should understand and accept that marriages are dynamic and forever. Arguments are inevitable, but remember, there won't be a "winner" and a "loser". You are like a team, so you either win together or lose together. It's also important to prioritize what happens in the bedroom as intimacy is a big factor in building a strong marriage.
Try to also understand the love language of your spouse and go on date nights to have better communication, and to talk about your relationship. When it comes to choosing friends, it's better to surround yourself with those who can help you strengthen your marriage, rather than those who tempt you to make mistakes. Be the biggest encourager of your partner, and not his/her biggest critic. When you argue, drop the blaming, shaming, and accusing. Lastly, don't hold grudges and bringing up the past when fighting.
